Three Dollars Each – The Coke Dares Tour Diary Pt. 3

Vying to be the Carrot Top of rock and roll.

The Coke Dares are an American rock and roll band, currently on tour in America.  They’re being kind enough to document their journey for Postcard Elba.  Go behind the music with these unplugged storytellers for the best week ever!

Fri. July 9th: Atlanta, GA – The 529 By John Bottom

Waking up in the Hotel “Bro-gina,” I found I fell asleep staring the Weird Al Yankavic LP, Dare to Be Stupid. Nightmares. As I continued to stare, the details of the house of Knoxville recording artists Will and Josh (Fistful of Crows, War Band, Three Man Band LobsterLobsterLobster, Big Bad Oven, and many more) slowly came into focus. The stranglehold of the cryptic kiss of a haunting hangover strangely absent, I woke first and retired to the Home of the Water Seat to brush my teeth. In the bathroom I found some very interesting zine of homemade pornography and a partially worn but very definitive “FART” written in what seemed to be tartar control Colgate in a beautiful and decided feminine cursive script on the sink at the perfect level for deep, “thoughty,” and penetrating seated meditation that breaks the boundaries of the bathroom and allows for the tantric portion of the soul to travel up and out, to buzz with the other phantom bodies of the upper ionosphere.

Remember that shitty band Tantric? Now you do.

We left, lovingly.

Dear Will Fist, I love you. I wish we could have burned something made of plastic or asphalt last night. I borrowed THE DARK STUFF, that Nick Kent book, I will mail it back after completion with something ghoulish inside. There aren’t many heterosexual men that I admire in this world. Consider yourself of the highest echelon. You can no longer be promoted in this company, Mr. President.

Wildflowers, Flowerpenis Apparel

Next, a brief stop at Border Tacos. Polite staff. Glowing red salsa (so-so) that spent only a brief holiday on the taster buds before plummeting to the depths of our respective PBR pond food pouches.

529 was a concise rock club with a fire code limit of around 40 to 60 maximum occupancy, meaning that with Man or Astroman playing a 11th anniversary show at the Earl blocks away, it might be a breezy and, we’ll say, unclaustraphobic show experience.

Rewatched King of Kong. That hot sauce guy is soooooooo cool. Mental note: purchase American flag neck tie.

Well that's one Xmas gift taken care of...

Passed on a slew of pocket vaporizer hits while watching a piece of edutainment (thx KRS1!) called Grass, narrated by Woody Harrelson.

The show was a punk bonanza. Reminiscent of junk food with flavor dust, grinding pegs, awkward boners, and strip mall wresting. Good to remember. Glad to be done.

We played.

Jeremy Ray played some Rock n Roll.

Off to the strip club! A note on the definition of strip club: the Clairmont is an institution or sorts in Atlanta. I really hesitate to test my abilities of explanation such a powerful and slippery foe. Described by Kelsey, our Altantianish liaison, as the “The most honest bar in America.” Directly after this utterance, almost as if sentient, the Clairmont delivered to us a noble female of at least the 55 Club that seemed to have just fallen sideways through a storage closet of mismatched Christmas, Halloween, and St. Patty’s Day decorations. She sculpted a sultry seduction that whiplashed off a rubber band, “Lap dance?”  All the males in our group politely declined. She did some quick math adding up the gentleman and girlfriends…..6, 7, 8. “Eight of you? Three dollars each and I’ll give ya all a little bit.” Curious yet still lacking complete committal response, we all sit there…She states, “I’m 62 years old and I’ve been working here for 14 years.”

Take it off? You got it sonny!

Back to Kelsey’s house for some late night nacho dipping and bean curd loaf sandwiches…mmmmmmm. Slept on a bed in little Kira’s play room. I have to say that there is jarring effect when going from strip club to child’s play room in less than an hour that makes one ask to one’s self, “What do I do with my spare time? How did I get here?”

Good night.

The Coke Dares tour continues, and you should be a part of the fun at one of these shows.

Thurs. July 15th: Columbus, OH – The Treehouse
Fri. July 16th: Bloomington, IN – The Bishop, w/ Push-Pull
Sat. July 17th: Indianapolis, IN – The Melody Inn

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